One Year

Warning:

Bear with me during this post, it is long and hardly any pictures. 

I'm not 100% it makes sense, and it could be very choppy,

but it was very important for me to write for my own sake.

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Exactly one year ago today my world was flipped upside down.

Not many people know about the events that took place or the dark times I was going through.

Exactly one year ago today, I made a decision that I never in a million years thought I would make.

It was scary, but it was time.

Exactly one year ago today, I left Andy standing alone in his parents basement (our apartment), and moved in with my parents, honestly leaving him for good. 

We had just moved back to Provo from Spanish Fork. 

We moved in with his parents while we were trying to find a house, 

or at this time in our marriage...deciding if we should even still be married. 

Since a month after we got married, our marriage was a rocky one. 

Andy struggled with an addiction, one that I knew he had prior to us getting married but that I thought he had under control and was in recovery. 

Exactly one year ago today, I was pushed past my breaking point.

Andy had his temple recommend taken away from our bishop in Spanish Fork, and before we moved we had blessings given to us by the bishop. 

The one and only thing I remember from those blessings was when the Bishop told Andy, 

"You do not have much longer to make the decision to change." 

That shook me to my core, I felt it so strong that if something didn't change, and we continued in this circle of lies, deceit, and lack of trust, that Andy would most likely kill himself in the process. 

Killing himself was going to be his "rock bottom". 

I was not willing to sit by and watch that happen.

So exactly one year ago today when I found texts that proved he hadn't stopped like he had told me (for the millionth time), and drug paraphernalia tucked away in his computer bag, I was done. 

I was done watching the person that was supposed to be my confidant, my support, my husband, 

kill himself. 

So I left. 

I left with no intention on ever coming back, unless something was changed and changed for good, not just another lie he told me.

I got to my parents house to find only my mom at home.

I fell into her arms sobbing as though someone had just died right in front of me.

My marriage was over.

My heart literally hurt and was breaking.

My mom helped me to the couch where I fell asleep from exhaustion.

When I woke all I wanted was my family.

I wanted all my brothers, and my parents.

Around midnight, they were all there around me giving me the support and love that I needed.

I had a lot of support and still have so many people that love me.

More importantly, I knew Andy had these same people loving and supporting him as well.

I didn't hate him, I hated what he was doing.

I wanted so badly for him to change and for him to change for himself not for anybody else.

All I had for him was love.

I left him because I loved him.

In my uneducated mind, I thought, 

"I'll leave him and he'll stop doing these things because I know he doesn't really want me out of his life."

"If we got a divorce it'd be easiest right now because we have no kids or anything tying us together."

"Does he not love me? How could he do this to someone he loves?"

"His brother died of this exact thing, is that what he wants too?"

The following months of our separation were some of the darkest months of my life.

I was angry, bitter, depressed, and confused.

It wasn't until a few months of us being separated that I realized...

"If Andy does change (like he had started to do), what about me right now would he want?"

Why would he want to still be married to me when I don't even know how to be happy anymore?

I realized that for this marriage to work again, we both needed to change.

It wasn't ALL Andy.

Of course, his addiction could be to blame.

But if he gets over his addiction and recovers, then why would he want to stay with someone who is addicted to being angry?

I was addicted to being angry at him.

I wanted to always blame him, to find reasons to be mad at him, to never truly forgive him for the crap he put me through. 

What is attractive about that?

Who would want to be married to that?

During this time, we decided since we were trying to find a house in my parents ward that we would attend their ward for the time being.

The Bishop in their ward is a close family friend and is the most spiritually in tune person I know.

Without us even being in the ward yet, he came to my parents house the second night I was living there. He came because he felt the spirit telling him that my parents needed him and that I did too.

Since I was living with my parents, Bishop Blake allowed it but gave it a 6 month timeline, 

and at the 6 month mark we could reevaluate our situation.

I personally don't think I could have gotten past my anger and bitterness without the help and love from Bishop Blake.

During one of our meetings, he said something to the effect of 

"You are allowed to be angry - you had a terrible thing happen to you - but I recommend that you don't make Andy suffer for the mistakes he made in the past. They are just that, in the past. In order to truly forgive Andy, you can't use his past against him or else he'll never change."

He'll never change because if I continue to bring up every little detail or incident from the past then he'll feel like, How can I change if everything I did before continually haunts me still?

Forgive and Forget.

I finally understood.

I will never forget what Andy put me through those first two years of marriage.

I will never forget because those memories are what makes our marriage strong.

Those things from the past are how we learn and grow.

But I will not use those memories against Andy, because I know that that will not help anything.

It will only make me more angry and hurt him more.

I was still angry, but I forgave Andy.

I still loved him.

I still LOVE him.

Recovery is hard.

I know it from my own experiences as well as watching Andy over the last year.

Recovery is even harder when you don't have support.

I made it my goal this year to support Andy in his recovery.

Yeah, he hurt me.

Even when I left him, he didn't stop his addiction for 3 days.

3 days his wife was gone and it didn't matter in regards to his addiction.

But more importantly, 3 days after I left him, he did stop.

He decided to start to change.

He decided for himself that he wanted to no longer be an addict, but to be a 

Recovering Addict.

Luckily, Andy had great friends by his side when I couldn't be there any longer.

His now sponsor and friend Court was there for Andy to ask him to come to the house and remove all his addictions. 

I couldn't do the things that Court helped Andy with because I didn't understand well enough to lovingly help.

My anger made me hurtful instead of helpful.

For the last year, Andy needed a cheerleader.

Someone to support him wholeheartedly.

I wanted nothing more than to be that cheerleader.

Of course, over the last year things haven't been perfect.

But instead of lying and me finding out about it days later and then finally blowing up when we talk about it, we talk immediately.

We have taken his "open field" of addiction and closed the gate, put a lock and started building a wall around it so that his addictions are not easily accessible like it was before.

It's taken a lot of hard work.

A lot of heart ache, fights, and worry.

But we have come so far from a year ago.

We try every day to be proactive in avoiding his addictions.

We talk openly about everything.

Just like every addict knows, 

"One day at a time.."

That is exactly what we've done this past year and will continue to do for the rest of eternity.

We take every day "one day at a time".

I love Andy with my whole heart and then some.

He's the strongest most determined person that I know.

I could not be more proud of him than I am right now.

I love the change I have truly seen in him.

Each mile stone in his recovery has been one that we celebrate.

I felt the need to share our story with our blog.

I don't know why, whether someone needed to read it, 

if I just needed to finally write it in words, or why.

But I do know, through the loving arms of the Lord, anything is possible.

The Lord doesn't give us anything that we cannot handle, 

no matter how hard something may seem at the time.

The Lord is mindful of us, loves us and is always watching over us.

I could never have had Hazel 5 weeks ago with the Andy I was married to a year ago.

The Lord has shown us so many blessings throughout this recovery.

We are constantly saying prayers of thanks because we know that none of this would have been possible without the Lord.

If you are struggling or know someone who is struggling, 

Elder Holland said it best in this conference talk:

"...however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or distance from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's Atonement shines...so if you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven't made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time. Please listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling you right now, this very moment, that you should accept the atoning gift of the Lord Jesus Christ and enjoy the fellowship of His labor. Don't delay. It's getting late." 

-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland "The Laborers in the Vineyard" 

Do yourself a favor,

and forgive someone today who has wronged you.

Forgive someone, then forget.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to love everyone 

because you truly cannot love someone too much.

I love this man, and am thankful everyday for his decisions to change and make his life better.

Because in turn, our life together has dramatically improved.

I pray that Hazel knows how lucky she is to have this guy as her daddy.

He's the best out there and we couldn't be more blessed to call him ours!

Mostly I am thankful that this guy is still around.

I thank the Lord every day that Andy is still with us.

I need him every day, and couldn't imagine how hard life would be without Andy in it.

For help with addiction go to:

https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/home?lang=eng